Here at Lucky Luck's Luck Emporium, we're all about giving YOU the luck YOU've always deserved, but never could quite stumble upon. Of course, to stumble upon such luck, one requires luck in the first place. It's a vicious circle for the lucklackers, and one that keeps the lucky luckier and the unlucky in a perpetual haze of lucklessness.
But that doesn't have to be YOU! Here at the Luck Emporium, we sell enough luck for everyone. YOU see, this nation's luck distribution is at an all-time imbalance, with the top one percent of luckies monopolizing over eighty percent of the total luck currently in circulation. We believe that this imbalance stems from a fundamental misunderstanding of the properties of luck: namely that luck is finite and available only by chance, and that some people are just "naturally" luckier than others. But this is untrue! In reality, there is enough luck for everyone to be lucky, even YOU!
So come on in and take a look at our grand selection of lucky items! We've got everything from four-leaf clovers to rabbit's feet; we've got royal flushes hand drawn by the world's luckiest card sharks and horseshoes worn by the most consistently lucky racehorses of all time. We've got dice, we've got crickets, we've got things that come in sets of three and seven!
And of course, we're always in stock of our bestselling product, the legendary liquid luck from which all other items obtain their luckiness. Just smear it across any common object using the Luck Brush (sold separately) and that object instantly attains lucky properties! Naturally, the more YOU apply, the luckier the object becomes! YOU can even bathe YOUrself in it if YOU like! So make sure to purchase in great quantities if YOU don't want YOUr luck to run out!
Luck used to be something people had to rely on luck to find. But now, any of these fine products can be YOUrs for prices starting as low as $1,000! Somewhat steep, but YOU must realize the grand quality of our items. We can't just give these out to anyone, after all. I mean, can YOU imagine what it would be like if everyone could just get lucky whenever they wanted? Keeping with the luxurious nature of our product, we here at Lucky Luck's target a clientele of a certain...status. Which is why, when it comes to luck, we are all firm believers in the company slogan: "If you can't afford it, you don't deserve it!"
So come on! I'll get one of our fine associates to show you around and together we'll get YOU the luck YOU deserve!