When the first one landed on Earth it came to the United States. Unfortunate, considering how the U.S. deals with any unknown threat. I mean, obviously other countries would have probably gunned it down just the same, but at least they might—might have thought it over and made a different choice.
At first everyone thought it was a meteorite, which made sense because at first there wasn’t much to lead people to think it was anything else. It came from the sky, a blackish-brown, mostly roundish object hurtling from the atmosphere at increasingly incredible speeds. When it landed it looked like it might be composed of rock and earth metals, so the one guy who saw it fall reported it to local authorities. Why he called the cops for a meteor is unclear, but then again who do you call to report a meteorite and what don’t you call the police for?
Anyway, the cops came and they immediately contacted the National Guard. Again, sounds like a strange thing to do, but it really wasn’t when you consider that they arrived to find the man who called them having his guts eaten out by the thing that by now was very clearly not a meteorite.
It was the size of a small car.
It had a collapsible shell and a hundred legs and a hundred teeth.
It could roll up into a ball and unfurl into something that resembled a centipede crossed with the alien from the movie Alien.
Later, news outlets would take to calling it a Pillbug.
The National Guard dealt with it in the same way the U.S. deals with any unknown threat.
That was an imitation of a machine gun if you couldn’t tell.
Anyway, they killed it. Murder first, questions later sort of thing. But the thing is, the Pillbug didn’t die. Well, it kinda did. It just didn’t stay dead.
The Pillbug broke in two and turned into two Pillbugs.
It asexually fucking reproduced.
Then the two Pillbugs killed half the Guardsmen before they managed to kill the Pillbugs. You can probably guess what happened to the bugs after that.
They asexually fucking reproduced.
Four Pillbugs now.
More than enough to kill the rest of the Guardsmen. But not before one of them was able to dispatch a message to headquarters informing the folks over there about the situation. This information quickly spread through the entire country. By that time, however, the entire military had gotten involved and there were sixteen-hundred Pillbugs living on Earth.
So they called him in.
They called in Super Champion.
For the past decade, Super Champion had been circling the globe under the guise of a NASA probe. Really he was an extraterrestrial invader who had later been repurposed into a standby superhero only to be used in the event of an extreme global threat.
The world leaders all agreed that the pillbug epidemic constituted an extreme global threat. Super Champion was called in. And if there’s one thing you should know about Super Champion, it’s that you don’t fuck with Super Champion, especially if you are an invasive alien race of pillbug-esque extraterrestrials whose favorite thing to do is asexually fucking reproduce.
Within the hour, the sixteen-hundred Pillbugs were reduced back to one, which was cryogenically frozen and kept in an underground vault for future use by the American government, who told nobody that Super Champion had, under their orders, left the last Pillbug alive.
After that, the world leaders left it to the Americans to put Super Champion back into orbit, where he would await the next worldwide catastrophe. But the Americans had other plans.
You see, Super Champion made things easy. Too easy, some might argue. But too easy is just how Americans like it. So they employed Super Champion for a variety of covert missions.
Like disabling North Korea’s nuclear weapons.
And defending the southern border.
And vaporizing all garbage.
And constructing new housing projects.
And mining precious metals.
And manufacturing worthless goods at ten-thousand times the speed of your average sweatshop employee.
And, most importantly, perpetuating the myth of Anglo superiority with his light, chiseled, humanoid features.
Eventually, Americans learned to rely on Super Champion for everything. But in the meantime, Super Champion had grown weary of his masters’ demands. So when no one was looking, he flew back into space, never to be heard from again.
It was around this time that the frozen Pillbug somehow freed itself from its cryogenic prison.
The world leaders attempted to find Super Champion, but by then he was already a comet four galaxies over.
So they dealt with the Pillbug the old fashioned way.